Unböring writing for your business. By subscription.
A PREDICTION:
You will subscribe to
our world-class writing service by the time you read
to the bottom of the page.
LET'S BE HONEST. You wouldn’t be here reading these very words this very moment unless your business was in need of some top notch writing from award-winning pros. And since we make it so quantifiably easy for you to get exactly that, let's cut to the chase, prove the prediction correct, and have you subscribe right now.
"I don't have time to read all that! I'm a real go-getter and know what I want. Let's book this call and get this writing party started!"
OR
No? Not yet?
Perhaps it WAS a bit unrealistic to think you’d click the very first button.
You probably want to know a little more about what you get out of this deal, huh?
Smart.
HERE’S WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU:
✓ You will get writing that is unböring, unshitty, and uninvisible. In other words, writing that moves people to do something, think something, feel something.
✓ You will get this compelling writing for a fixed monthly rate.
✓ You will get this fantastic writing whether your requests are for three words or 3000.
✓ You will get this writing from highly experienced pros, not some junior-varsity fiver user who can barely tell their ass from their assonance.
✓ You will have unlimited access to this writing.
✓ That’s right, unlimited.
✓ You will be able to ask for as much world-class writing as you, or any of your team members can think of.
✓ You will receive the writing within a day or two usually. (Unless you’re asking us to write a book. That might take three days ;)
✓ You will be able to ask for as many revisions as you’d like until your brain is popping with mini dopamine explosions and you are grinning ear to ear with satisfaction.
Sound good? Great. Let’s get you Signed up.
In our many years of award-winning writing, we’ve worked with some of the brightest minds in marketing and advertising. These were the ones we could bribe for some kind words. (See, captions don’t have to be boring.)
Yes, we’ve written for all of these brands. And a whole lot more. We’ve got decades of experience in nearly every category.
“That DOES sound great,” you say, “But…”
But?
“But why do I need this service when I know how to speak and type?”
To which we’d reply...
HAVE YOU REALLY AND TRULY CONSIDERED
THE BEWITCHING BENEFITS OF BAZOOKA POWERED WRITING?
Bazooka-powered writing, i.e., persuasive writing, writing that is unböring, muscly and undeniably unforgettable is anywhere from a 2x to a 10X multiplier. Sometimes more. (This is NOT a promise or guarantee of course and your mileage may vary, but…)
✓ Conservatively speaking, what would it mean to your business if your brand permanently wormed its way into the minds of 20% more people?
✓ What would it mean to your business if 20% more people clicked on your ads?
✓ What would it mean to your business if 20% more people read your emails, weekly blog posts, and website?
✓ What would it mean to your business if 20% more people read your product descriptions?
✓ What would it mean to your business if 20% more people enthusiastically told their friends about your brand? And so on, and so on, and so on?
✓ What would it mean to your business if someone, as in Bazooka, did all of this writing for you?
Most likely it would mean you’re so hopped up on what the future holds for your business, you’re audibly exclaiming, “Let’s Bazooka!”, and clicking that Sign Up button the moment you get to the period in this sentence.
Still need to know more, huh?
Then maybe you’d like to know how this whole process works.
It’s quite simple, really. In fact--
WE MAKE THE PROCESS SO EASY,
HOMER SIMPSON COULD DO IT AFTER KNOCKING BACK
A COUPLE OF DUFF BEERS DOWN AT MOE'S.
Once you sign up, which, honestly, we’re not sure why you haven’t already, we will send you a project management board in Trello.
Trello is where you will drop all your requests, and where all correspondence will take place. (Not familiar with Trello? Don’t worry, it’s so simple a heavily sedated zoo chimp could use it.)
There will be no meetings, no briefings, no calls (Other than the initial intro call if you choose that.).
You read that right.
No meetings. No briefings. No calls.
Why?
You’re not paying for meetings, briefings, or calls. Nor are you paying for downtime while we browse positiveaffirmations.com. You’re paying for smart, thoughtful, world-class writing.
We’ve done this long enough to know that when someone says, “Let’s schedule a meeting/briefing/call,” what they’re really saying is, “Let’s get together and accomplish absolutely nothing while we torch stacks of cash with our corporate sponsored flamethrowers.”
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Far better we just get to writing and send you concrete ideas and words.
No?
Need more convincing?
Fine.
YOU WILL HAVE A VERY HARD TIME
FINDING WRITERS MORE EXPERIENCED.
Having written for more global brands than we can count on four hands, the copy we’ve written has helped sell hundreds of millions of dollars of luxury cars, fine whisky, cheap beer, classic blue jeans, and just about every cable package you’ve ever wanted to unsubscribe from but couldn’t. (That’s not on us, btw.)
Not to mention, we’ve helped embed those brands in the hearts and minds of all the people who come into contact with them. (Except for the cable companies. That's impossible. Everybody hates cable companies.)
Getting your customers to love your brand is a priceless connection built through the smart, strategic, and persuasive use of language, a.k.a., writing.
All fine and dandy, you think, but you may be wondering...
WHAT KIND OF WRITING HAVE THEY DONE
AND CAN THEY DO IT AGAIN FOR ME?
Safe to say, if it’s needed words, we’ve done it and can do it again:
✓ Banner ads? Of course.
✓ TV commercials? Award winners.
✓ Web copy? Mouthfuls.
✓ Photo captions? Handfuls.
✓ Magazine ads? Stacks.
✓ Emails? Ding!
✓ Brochure copy? You betcha.
✓ Button CTAs? Hell yeah!
✓ Feature films? Sure did.
✓ Social posts? Thousands.
✓ Short films? Ground-breaking ones.
✓ Blog posts? The kind people actually read.
✓ Classified ads? In our sleep.
✓ PornHub video descriptions? Nope. Just seeing if you’re paying attention.
✓ Tweets? Or Xs, or whatever the hell we’re calling them now? Check.
Point being, we have a very good grasp of the media available to businesses today. Most importantly, we understand the headspace with which consumers come to interact with each. So we know how to craft the most compelling messages.
Now that you know our past, hit the Sign Up button and we’ll skip arm in arm into the future together.
Still reading, huh?
Really enjoy kicking the tires, do you?
We can respect that. Let’s carry on, then, shall we?
In all of our years working on all of those brands, we were fortunate enough to work with some of the brightest minds in marketing and advertising. You can see a few of them right here on this page.
Given their bright minds, it perhaps says something they were willing to have their pictures and words on our site. And honestly, at this point, their words alone should be enough to compel you to smash that Sign Up button.
WELL, NOW, THIS IS A BIT TROUBLESOME.
Here we are at the bottom of the page and, for reasons that confound, you still haven’t subscribed to our world-class writing service. That can only mean one of three things:
1. You don’t actually need writing help and were just extremely bored with nothing better to do than read long copy on a random website. Our condolences. Exciting life you must lead.
2. You’ve been holding out just to prove our prediction at the top wrong. Well played. Pat yourself on the back right after you smash the Sign Up button. Or at the same time if you’re feeling adventurously ambidextrous.
3. For some reason that defies logic and common sense, after reading all of the above, you’ve decided you’d rather hire a less experienced, less knowledgable, less strategic, less good writer on the cheap. Earlier, we said you were smart. Now we’re not so sure. Making that decision would be a colossal mistake. Monumental, even. You’ll regret it instantly and within short order be running back to us anyway with your tail between your legs. We would of course welcome you back with open arms and no judgements. But please, save yourself the time, money, headache, and shame and Subscribe Now.
Still here, huh?
Not convinced yet?
Then maybe you want to Book A Call to hear our real live human voices, get a feel for who we are. We can dig that. Just click the button and Calendly will show you the available time slots.
Lastly, if you’ve read this far, thank you. It’s probably a pretty good sign we’ve made the case for the power and value of smart, engaging, and sometimes humorous, writing.
So here’s one more Sign Up button for good measure.
We’ve come to the moment of truth.
The real bottom of the page.
If you are a business in the market for world-class writing help, but didn’t subscribe, well, it’s a catastrophic loss on your part, to be sure.
Why you’d trust your extraordinarily valuable brand to anything less than extraordinary writing is beyond us. But our word is our bond. Hit us up in the email with your mailing address and business website and we will buy you a beer. Scout’s honor.
If you’re really lucky, we might also send you a hat.
OR...
NOT-SO-FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Why haven’t I subscribed to this world-class writing service yet?
Honestly, you’ll have to search deep in your heart of hearts to answer that. Nearly every business that actually needs smart writing subscribes before getting halfway through the page. You, friend, are an outlier.
Why not just hire a full time writer?
No one actually asks this question. It’s really here as another bullet point for why you should be subscribing to our service.
But hell, we’ll answer it anyway. Hiring a writer of this caliber and speed would require you parting ways with around $250k a year. Plus all the benefits, of course. Not to mention, you’d have to keep them pretty busy to make that kind of cash and bennies worth it.
You could, of course, hire a cheaper writer. But cheaper means less experience. Which means it’ll take you a lot longer to hit the bullseye on your writing needs.
In either case, you would have to trudge through the arduous task of actually finding and vetting said writers, while here we are, virtually sitting in your lap already, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.
Is there a limit on the number of requests I can make?
We said unlimited and we mean unlimited. (Reminder; we will tackle your requests one at a time.) In fact, the more requests the better. The more places we can be involved with your brand, the better chance your brand will develop a consistently unique and distinctive “voice”. The more unique and distinctive your brand’s voice, the more likely your brand gets stuck in your customers’ minds. The more brain-wormy your brand, the greater chance your brand will be a lasting success, providing you with bathtubs full of money.
If you guys are so good, why don’t you have those fancy, high-paying, corner office jobs with assistants who bring you hot, foamy lattes?
We’ve had them. Many times. And left them. Many times. Truth is, it’s way more fun and fulfilling working for ourselves. With considerably fewer headaches.
Plus, this way is a Win-Win for everyone. You get access to highly experienced, world-class writing, which would normally be too expensive for you. We get to help more, smaller brands to real success, which we highly enjoy and take great pride in. And being totally blunt, we get to make more money this way.
Also, strong black coffee brewed at home in a Mr. Coffee is way better anyway.
What’s with the name Bazooka?
It’s sticky and you won’t easily forget it. It’s also fun to say. Seriously. Say it loud. Yes, right now. Say it.
The name also has meaning. Great, unböring writing is a Bazooka; seemingly small and inconsequential, but extremely powerful and impactful.
What’s with the Pause and Cancellation options of the subscription?
We want to make this process as seamless, no-risk, and pain-free for our clients as we possibly can.
Let’s start with cancellation.
If you start working with us and decide, “These assholes just don’t get it,” you can cancel your subscription any time. And while we are 99.9% sure you won’t cancel for that reason*, you can cancel for any reason. No questions asked.
As for pausing your sub, it’s a great option to have at your fingertips. Maybe one month you only have a handful of requests. Pause your sub, save your unused days, and start it up again the moment you have more work.
As for refunds, we don’t give ‘em. We will do our absolute best to revise work to your everlasting satisfaction. But completed work is real work that took real time and has real value. This is why we have the easy cancellation process.
*We won’t lie. We have been called assholes in the past. But not often, not recently, and not by any of our current clients. And now that we’re thinking about it, those people should have probably looked in the mirror.
How come your website isn’t all flashy and designer-y?
Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.
Jokes aside, we aren’t selling flashy websites and spiffy design.
We are writers. We put strategic, smart, and muscly words down on the page. This website is designed to feature one thing and one thing only. Writing.